Why I Do It

Many people have asked me why I am doing this. Why these specific organizations? Why Domestic Violence? Well, I’ll tell you.

A dear friend, a lover and best friend, was raped. She lived in Denver, Colorado. She had been walking down the street on her way home from work.  I was living in Seattle at the time and she called from the hospital. Crying, she told me what happened to her. I listened, yet at the same time I was wondering how she could have placed herself into that sort of situation. Even my questions to her suggested some fault in her actions. Why were you walking in that area? Why at that time of the morning? What were you wearing? As if it were somehow her fault. She, a helpless victim of a cruel and inhumane act, was once again being attacked, but not by the perpetrator. Instead it was by the very person in whom she thought she could confide and seek refuge.

My accusatory line of questioning, like those that many others have made the same mistake of asking, reflected my inattention to the crucial focus of not just the violent and deplorable nature of sexual assault, but the hurting and weeping of an innocent soul. I vowed never again to be a part of the aching that she and many other victims of sexual assault face when they share the pain and horror of being violated. I committed myself to standing with these brave souls and learning how to not only listen, but to ask the right questions—questions that don’t evoke shame or anger at themselves, but at their attacker; questions that focus not on what they lost, but how much value they still give to the world.

I now speak to and counsel abusers in court-ordered group settings for the Coordinated Community Response Against Domestic Violence (CCRADV). I recently completed DAWN’s (Domestic Abuse Women’s Network) fifty-hour DV volunteer/advocacy course. As long as sexual assault and violence occurs, we must become engaged.  The epidemic of domestic violence is astounding, and the stories are heart wrenching.  The statistics surrounding domestic, sexual, and child abuse are staggering.

There are up to three million incidents of domestic violence, mostly against women, that occur every year. In fact, around the world at least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced, or abused during their lifetime.  In a 1998 study, nearly one third (31%) of American women reported being physically or sexually assaulted by a current or former spouse, a cohabitating partner, or a date at some time in their life.

Sadly, this number does not reflect all the incidents that go unreported. In the year 2001, more than a half a million American women were victims of non-fatal violence committed by an intimate partner. Half a million! The health-related costs to the economy of rape, physical assault, stalking, and homicide by intimate partners exceeds 5.8 billion dollars per year. These are simply the immediate numbers. We have not even begun to touch upon the lasting effects of children left without mothers, their psychological effects having witnessed the abuse of a parent, and of children caught up in generational cycle of violence. Every year in the United States, an average of 1,300 women die at the hands of their partner.  Some victims chose a quiet or silent death, choosing to kill themselves, rather than die at the hands of their abusers.

Others can be found among the streets, in forced labor or prostitution, or trying to escape by coating the agony with drug and/or alcohol use.  If you call a shelter today, you will find most of them full.  Women and children are being turned away without a way to survive because of "no room at the Inn". Statistics show that a woman will leave her abuser 6-8 times before she is able to leave for good.  When a woman does try to leave, the violence and threats against her and her children usually escalates.  There are far more shelters for animals than there are for the women and children seeking refuge from violence and terror in their own homes. Who are we to ever allow women to be trapped in severe conditions of forced labor, isolation, physical abuse or sexual exploitation without doing something about it?

Where do you and I stand?  Where are we accountable in this matrix of violence, lack of resources, and desperation?  We are at the forefront because we have the power to create the necessary resources that victims need in order to become survivors.  Funds for cab fare to leave a desperate situation, legal aid to file for a divorce, shelter to able to leave and not have the only option be wandering the city streets. 

Besides making amends to my friend, and besides feeling sorry for these victims, and besides wanting to raise funds to help both the victims as well as the perpetrators, there is another reason to counsel and why I am producing this concert. It came from what my father told me just two weeks before his death from a heart attack. If there could have been any better legacy worth leaving, here is what he gave me. He said, “Mac, we help for a variety of reasons but mainly for these three:”

“Let’s take the Economy…   The more people are gainfully employed, the more opportunity there is for them in the world at large. The quicker we make taxpayers and productive people out of those who are downtrodden or picked on, the more money is available out in the economy. People’s earning power increases the tax base, which hopefully frees up more money for social causes. Basically the more commerce and the more earning power these victims of social or economic injustice have, the more they will create and maintain a sense of purpose. With a higher sense of purpose there is higher self esteem. With higher self esteem and self worth, there is less strife.”

“As a stabilizing force…    When people have lost hope, when they have nothing left to lose, they become incredibly volatile and susceptible to violence. When the future looks bleak and they see no way up or out, they strike back and they strike others. It is a form of fear. Instead of a fear of something, they have a fear of nothingness. Those who have lost hope, and lost direction, and lost purpose begin to gaze into the abyss.  As we all learn, the longer you gaze into the abyss, soon the abyss gazes back unto you. Internal then external anarchy is the result. Helping prevent people from walking to that that cliff makes sense if civilization is to continue and our society is to flourish. People who don’t think themselves counted will never accept accountability.”

“Third, and most importantly, it is the right thing to do…”   , “See son, it is not who we are if we do help those who need our help and support, especially those whose rights are being usurped by religious, political, or criminal acts. It’s who are we if we don’t?

Mac, you are on this planet to prosper, to avoid pain, and to be happy. You are also on this planet to help other people prosper, avoid pain, and gain happiness in their lives.” (And I will never forget him saying this), “That is the rent that you pay for your space on earth.”

That is why I do it. That is why we do it.

(If you cannot attend, perhaps you would purchase a ticket for one of the victims who otherwise wouldn’t have the means to do so. Just send $47.00 to:

Melissa Arias c/o DAWN P.O. Box 88007 Tukwila, WA 98138, or
Shelly David c/o CCRADV 1414 So. 324th Ste. 217  Federal Way, WA 98003  253 931-3072)

SEE YOU AT THE CONCERT!